It has been more years than I can count since I lost the ability to freely cry. There is something about being made fun of as a child that cuts to the core. When an adult who was supposed to love you makes you cry and then makes fun of you for it, a deep internal change occurs that can’t be explained…it can only be experienced. There are no words for that level of shame. There is only one thing to do. Stop the crying no matter what. So I did. Then I did it without trying so hard. Then I did it without trying at all. Then one day my therapist explained that God gave us tears to help cleanse and heal us. It took me a while, but I did trust her and eventually embraced the idea, only to find out that I had lost the ability to cry. I didn’t actually have any emotions. I had shut everything down for so long it was as if it all just quit working. So, we prayed. A lot.
Dear God, please heal my tears. Can You please make the first time I cry be amazing? Restore what the enemy stole seven-fold. Amen.
HE IS SO FAITHFUL! HE AMAZES ME ALL THE TIME. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!
It would still be months before I really experienced true tears. It was soooo worth the wait! I assumed that when I finally did cry, that it would naturally be over all the trauma that I had been dissociating from for years. It was a possibility that I would start to cry and not be able to stop…ever. But I knew God had me, so I continued to ask Him to give me back my tears.
My therapist had to go out of town because her mother-in-law passed away. I had never met her husband, nor did I know her mother-in-law. She didn’t even live in the same state! But when she passed, I was sitting at my kitchen table and God gave me a vision. I saw her enter Heaven. I was aware that I was just seeing a vision and that I was at my table the whole time, but it also felt as if I had been transported from my kitchen right into the gates of Heaven with her. I lost all awareness of my surroundings as I watched her loved ones greet her and I watched the Lord welcome her. It was unlike any vision I had ever had in the past. I felt all of the emotions of being there. The air was so thick with His glory that I couldn’t breathe it in. It was as if my earthly body could not contain the amount of love and joy in the atmosphere. I saw the Lord welcome her into His arms, and I burst into tears. I cried for a long time. My breathing was labored from trying to take in the amount of perfect love in the air. I knew my body was faulty, not equipped to be there but I fought to hold onto the most amazing feeling in the entire world for as long as the Lord would let me. He gave me back my tears…7 fold…multiplied by 1000. Heaven became more real to me in that moment that it had ever been in my entire life. I have never lost that awareness. I can’t wait to be there again!!!