Fun was a difficult concept for me to embrace. Maybe it was always being on guard for the next fight to break out at home or the crude definition of fun I had been exposed to, or maybe it was the crushing loneliness that built the walls. Whatever the cause, the end result was the same. Escape…neighborhood kickball brought the opportunity to be someone else, to step into the land of dissociation for a short time. Sadly, the better I played, the more fearful I felt, and the need to be the bully often consumed me. I didn’t want to be a bully, or to be mean, or even to be the best at the game. I simply wanted a friend and I wanted to have fun. I wanted to be good, to be liked, to be loved, but mostly, I wanted to be safe. Like the wall of Jericho, it would take God’s people being obedient and persistent, trusting when things made no sense, and walking out crazy faith to cause the walls to fall. Praise the Lord! He knows exactly when we are ready and how to bring us into divine relationships with obedient people to accelerate His healing power.
My therapist often gave me homework assignments with the purpose of having fun. I didn’t like it, but I always did it. The parts eventually started to embrace the concept…mostly Cassie, who was 8 but that just got on my nerves. I didn’t like taking her to the park, sitting through kids movies, or making embarrassing childish crafts. God is faithful and He knew what we needed. He was building a new foundation one activity at a time. He wants His children to have fun and He didn’t want me to miss out. He’s cool like that!!
Learning to allow myself to have fun was one of the hardest parts of my healing!
Things have come full circle and I find myself typing this from Chuckie Cheese while my daughter plays with her friend. I am so thankful for broken cycles!! Kaleigh knows all about having fun. In the last week we have been to Disney, the Tampa zoo, and Sea World. There is many surprises, funny stories, and blessings to share from those trips! That vacation definitely deserves its own post. It was soooo much fun!!!
Coming Next: “Purposeful Fun Part Two…Florida Vacation”