There is a special place in my heart for childhood trauma victims. Especially for children who have to carry the pain of sexual abuse. I spent 35 years of my life in complete mental torment over my past. It’s easy to talk about all the terrible things that happened to me because I want people to know that I can relate and that there are hope and freedom waiting for them in Christ. I want them to know that my heart hurts for them and that I understand how much effort it takes to keep going when everything inside screams to give up.
I want to give away what has been freely given to me. My therapist chose to love me with the love of Christ and she mentored me for three years. Everything she shared with me changed my life, and now I find myself standing in her shoes. Imperfect of course, but healing and whole in Christ, wanting to pour His love into others who secretly scream for someone to notice the pain behind their smile. I need to tell them that Jesus loves them and that there IS hope!
It’s hard to change your thoughts and refuse to entertain the things that robbed you of a happy childhood or even of being loved at all. I thought I DESERVED to be allowed to camp out there in death valley, after all, I earned it with everything I went through!!
I’m so thankful for everything the Lord has brought me through, and I don’t ever want to forget where I came from because then I might forget how much love changes things but I don’t need to camp out in the past to do that. I once thought I did. I thought if I released all those awful things, that my pain would never be validated. But now I understand that I must bring every thought captive and bring it to Christ so that the enemy has no room to play games in my head.
The most wonderful thing started to happen! The more I exchanged the painful thoughts for positive ones, the more worthy I started to feel. The validation I had searched for my whole life came naturally with the positive thoughts.
It was hard to accept that the more we talked about good things, the better I started to feel. The truth is, I hated it. I didn’t want to let go of the past. I was too ashamed to admit it, but I wanted to talk about it. It was the only identity I had ever known. Would there even be anything left of me when that was gone???
But I REALLY wanted to get better.
So, I did it afraid.
Her positivity was contagious. She was always reminding me of Philippians 4:8 and encouraging me to tell her what good things had happened in my week. It really helped me! Now, that’s the kind of person I strive to be. I want to talk about the good! I want to share the miracles. I want to tell just enough of the bad for the glory of God’s good to shine into the lives of people who need to feel His love. All of us who have been abused know everything there is to know about that. Trauma is trauma, it’s all wrong and it’s all devastating. But Jesus! Jesus is someone worth talking about. Find Him in the hard places. Choose to talk about the good even when you don’t feel like it. It is very healing!
As my therapist always said, “Tell me the good things that happened for you this week. What’s God doing?”