Nervous used to be all I knew. I have spent a lot of time over the last week pondering my healing and the many ways God used the people around me to be His hands and feet and pour into my life. I suppose it’s because every aspect of my life has been rearranged as if a tornado came through then made the second round just in case anything was left untouched. I’ve spent a lot of time reading the book of Job lately. I find great comfort in knowing that he was blessed greatly in the end.
There is a new kind of nervous now I suppose. A hopeful excitement that brings a nervous rush of dependence on Holy Spirit. Growing is painful. My daughter gets leg cramps when she grows. I think I get heart cramps to see her grow so fast. Growth always brings a level of discomfort, however, there are aspects of the pain that I treasure. It’s where I learned to pray the Psalms and how to love. It’s where I learned to just be held. Some days I just had to do all I could to stand and allow myself time to grieve. To do that, one of the things I did was to sit alone and talk to the Lord and allow myself to cry. I would close my eyes and turn my focus inward so that I could hear Him over all the outside noise. It wasn’t easy and some days all I could say was, “You know I don’t want this, but I choose You, whatever You decide, I still choose You.” And I would say that over and over again while imagining myself in the throne room prostrate before Him crying my eyes out. Sometimes it hurt to breathe and that’s the kind of pain I felt on one particular day. This became a coping skill for me, to turn inward and seek Him for comfort and I would always do it the same way. But on this day, I closed my eyes and I started to imagine myself walking into His presence and I felt like as soon as I closed my eyes and turned inward, I hit a wall. I walked hard right into something unmovable and I looked up to discover it was Him! He met me there in that painful place and He held me in His arms and He let just let me cry as His healing presence overcame me.
Maybe I’ve written about this before? I have replayed it in my mind so many times lately that I can’t remember if I’ve shared it or not. Maybe someone needs to hear it?
I love the excitement of knowing that I have no idea what my next step is or where I am going to end up at the end of the day. And the kind of butterflies you get on a rollercoaster as it’s about to plummet, only they come because you prayed big prayers and He answered them! I prefer to go vertical…in my worship and in my mountain climbing. Even on my hardest days, I still can’t believe I get to live this life! Whatever new adventure God has for me around the next bend, I want it!! I want to experience every emotion and every opportunity that was stolen from me and I want to do it His way…double for my trouble. Blessed and highly favored. Obedient, surrendered, and usable. I love Him so much!!
If you have never experienced how it feels to be held by Him, I strongly encourage you to ask Him to help you do so. He is faithful and He will meet you there! Rest in His embrace, even if you’re not sad or worried. He loves for you to share the mountain top experiences too! Spend some time with Him and you will discover that He loves you extravagantly!