2:05 AM. A lot can be said about talking to God at two in the morning. I’m not particularly excited about feeling so emotional today but considering I was numb and had no emotions at all for most of my life, I try to remember that I fought hard to gain the ability to feel again. The last few days have been the most difficult in months. I can’t share exactly what’s wrong because I don’t really know. I haven’t cried this much in a long time. I wish every time could feel like the first time when Jim’s mom died and the Lord gave me a vision of her entering Heaven. It was so real and the air was so charged with love that I felt it in my body. It was hard to breathe. Over 30 years of not crying and a dam burst that day. I’ve been able to cry ever since. I prayed that the first time I cried would somehow be special and God did not let me down.
Now, I try to transfer the painful tears into that atmosphere of a holy, pure, perfect love. My devotional this morning was about Christ’s return and there being no more tears in Heaven. I greatly look forward to that day but for now I’m still trying to figure out the whole leaky eyes concept and glean the benefits of moving forward through the grief.
I am going to have to learn to control them better if I’m going to leave me house on days like today. I’m not sure about the “it’s okay to cry in public” thing when it’s giving someone 14 cents for the tax to buy bandaids that caused it. Extreme much? She was trying to get bandaids for a cut on her hand. My daughter and her friend helped her. I gave them the change and I waited while Kaleigh’s friend went through the line and bought them for her. As we walked out, the girls held the door and then we started to leave. Geez, I’m not sure that qualifies as criable material? But then I hear the Lord say, “pray for her” and I instantly feel tears fighting to get out of my eyes. I could not do it, I could not emotionally hold myself together. So I suggested to my daughter that she ask the woman if she could pray for her. So both the girls walked a few feet away to catch up with her and Kaleigh asked her if she wanted them to pray for her. I think at that point I gained some creditably points for a cry worthy moment. So proud of these girls and all the ways I see God working in their lives.