Over the past four years, I have learned how to surrender and become a passenger on the amazing ride of life. Allowing the Holy Spirit to drive creates wonderful adventures and I love the excitement of how the supernatural is interwoven into every day. Today, He led us to visit our original home church a couple of towns away. It was amazing and it felt as if I had never left. It was so good to be there again! To see friends, to remember where I dedicated Kaleigh to the Lord, where I was baptized, and where I first found myself in a God-ordained family.
To sit in the same pew and remember how much fear and anxiety would overcome me at times and how spacey I would always feel if someone tried to shake my hand or speak to me. People had no idea how difficult it was to maintain the appearance of only broken and not completely insane. I didn’t really fully grasp it myself, it was all I had ever done so it was my normal. But to look back on it now, I had no idea how exhausting it was!
When I was learning to communicate with the parts, we created a white room so that they could share their memories on the wall with me. The memories I got back still seem to all play there. I was looking around at one point today and I could see a memory playing of being in that church as a child. I did not attend there as a child so it had to be a part, probably Cassie, and a feeling of a desperate need for approval. God did so much work in me during my time at that church. He was very patient with me and when I learned that trust and love were safe, He connected me with the therapist that helped me heal and finally integrate.
God has healed me so much! I didn’t understand dissociative identity disorder or that I had it when I was going there. Now, I feel like I don’t even know the person I was when I left there four years ago. Yet, I very much felt the love that I had always felt as if I had not missed a day. I feel refreshed and empowered to keep pressing forward, allowing God to do all that He wants to do in my life. There are certain people who God puts in your path that changes your life forever and I visited with two of those people today. I am so very grateful for them. No matter where God sends me, it will always be wonderful to visit home.
The whole day was amazing and if that wasn’t enough, there was banana pudding!!
God sure is faithful to give us what we need. My heart overflows with love!