via Daily Prompt: Toxic 

I’ve been reflecting on who I am and how I am doing in the “quiet” parts of my life.  When I’m at home with pajamas on and unkept hair with just my daughter, who does she say that I am?  I can get so caught up in what the next step is or what I should be doing that the time I do spend sitting at the feet of Jesus is hampered by my guilt of wasting time.  A false guilt, but it’s labeled every so neatly and wrapped in exquisite packaging with a label that screams “you’re still wasting time”.  I’m not even sure what that means anymore.  I have become so worried that I am wasting the Lord’s time that I’ve stopped to ask Him if that is even possible when He doesn’t operate in the flow of time like we do.  I’ve come to the conclusion that God’s timing is perfect and I am not powerful enough to mess it up.  Whew!  However, I can miss out on it.  I can waste my time and miss the opportunity to do something He has called me to do, but I am not prideful enough to think that He won’t still accomplish what He has set out to do if I’m not there for Him to use.  This is both a relief and a train wreck for my mind to come to terms with.  I don’t want to miss out on anything He wants me to do.  I became a little frantic in telling Him that I just don’t get it!  I can’t do everything He needs me to do.  It’s too much.  It’s too fast.  It’s too hard.  But this is not me.  If you know me at all, you know that I will do whatever it takes to get it done.  I have to make it happen, the enemy stole my entire childhood.  I’m not going to just open the door and let him continue to rob me from me!  In the chaos of my mind reeling, the Holy Spirit in His grace just said “stop!  What is it that I need you to do?”  He reminded me of the happiest time of my life and He had me look at what exactly it was that was making me so happy.  I had come out of the most toxic relationship of my life and I was not yet integrated, so I was struggling in a lot of ways.  But I was always flooded with joy.  Even when I was hurting or grieving in therapy, I still had so much joy.  I can’t even explain it.  So, I started asking myself why it was like that and the answer came quickly.  I was resting in the presence of the Lord.  I was truly sitting as Mary, with no agenda but to be with God.  I didn’t care what happened in the rest of my life, I was just full of the Spirit and because I was filled up in my quiet time, miracles were happening all around me.  Seriously, all the time, like every week we were seeing a new miracle happen.  Everything just fell into place and I was learning what it meant for God to go before me and make my path straight.  It was amazing!  But I was not trying to make that happen.  I was just walking with my first love.  I was not worried about time at all.  Well, that’s not true.  I was actually worried about time in the opposite way of what I’m doing now.  I was anxious to get home and get to my quiet time.  I wanted to use every opportunity to spend time with God.  There was a hunger and a burning in me to get into His presence and I had started doing it so much that when I walked into my room where I met Him, it was instant.  I could sit there for hours and think about nothing but Him.  I want that back!  I need that back!  I’m not going to worry anymore about wasting God’s time.  I want to be back in that place where nothing else matters.  The Lord is showing me that it was not any one thing I did that got me into that place.  It was seeking Him above all else.  There are so many scriptures that promise that if we seek Him we will find Him!

“But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul.”  Deuteronomy 4:29.

I talked to Him when I made coffee, loaded the dishwasher, took a shower, waited in the car line at school, trudged through the grocery store, drove my car, when I walked my dog, and the list goes on.  Here I am thinking if I can just schedule more time into my day to sit at Jesus’ feet then all will be well.  And don’t get me wrong, that time is super important, but don’t make the mistake of letting the daily routine of life distract you from talking to Him all day every day.  And don’t let the enemy lie to you and tell you that the casual conversations with Him during the day aren’t as important as your quiet time.  This is a lie from the pit of hell that I’ve been targeted with lately.  I talk to Him throughout the day but the enemy tries to make me to feel like that isn’t a big deal, who cares about the one or two sentence prayers?  He’s Father God!  Every conversation is important!  He doesn’t want a “same time, same place tomorrow” conversation.  I would be so sad if Kaleigh only talked to me in the morning or before bed at night.  I am reminded that some of the best miracles came out of doing chores with the Lord.  I remember standing at my dryer folding clothes and telling the Lord that I really needed new clothes, could He please send some money to go shopping with.  It was a simple prayer without a lot of thought.  Actually, it didn’t feel like a “prayer” at all.  I was just telling my best Friend that I needed to go shopping.  I think it was within a week, someone messaged me and asked to take me shopping and bought me a whole new wardrobe from Belk’s department store.  God is faithful and He wants to be a part of every detail of our life!  The key for me is to talk to Him.  We must be purposeful to speak directly to Him and not talk about Him like He’s not in the room.  If we can do that, I think He will do the rest.  I’m so thankful for His mercy and grace!!  I’m so thankful that I can talk to Him and He never gets tired of hearing my voice.  I’m so thankful that He is my best Friend and that He wants to do everything with me.  My heart is so full!  The Joy of the Lord is our strength!!  I pray that you will enjoy an ongoing fellowship with the Lord as you go through your daily routine.  Let those one or two sentence conversations bring excitement into the mundane and miracles into your life!  Blessings, Sharon