God has changed me and I will serve Him forever!
We serve a big God and I say that all the time, but He continually amazes me with the things that He does.
My childhood wasn’t very good. I could tell all kinds of stories but really, trauma is trauma and it’s all awful so I’m just going to fast forward to being an adult.
I had always struggled and things were randomly confusing but I had no idea what was wrong with me. Time was very off for me, it often made no sense at all. I didn’t know that I was dissociating and losing time as a coping skill to deal with the memories.
In 2013, I was very medicated and it caused me to sleep 20+ hours a day, missing out on my child’s life. I felt very hopeless. I was in therapy with a secular counselor but I wasn’t really making any progress and nobody knew what was wrong with me.
Vision of me speaking
So one day I’m in my car and I told the Lord that if there was any way at all that He could fix the mess I was in that I would do anything He asked me to do. That was the first time that the Lord had ever shown me anything in a vision. I could see myself standing on a platform in front of a very large group of people. I was wearing a microphone, holding a pad of paper and my Bible was laying on the pulpit. I knew in that moment that if I had been obedient, that my story could have counted, my pain would have counted, God would have made me useable, and He would have been glorified. I was very heartbroken over that and I meant every word that I prayed that night, but it was hard to think that I would ever be capable of even standing in the same room as a large group of people, much less speaking to them.
Prayer to meet someone with DID
In my everyday life, my dissociation was really bad. I was switching every day but we didn’t know at that time that I had alters so that was awful. I had found a website for sexual abuse survivors and it had a section that talked about Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I really wasn’t sure that I believed it was true but I could certainly relate to a lot of it so I started praying that if it was really true, that God would let me meet another person that had it. God is faithful and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. He not only connected me with a therapist that understood what was wrong with me, but her receptionist was diagnosed with DID. He had a really big plan!! I can look back now and see how He had it all woven together.
Steps of growth
A lot of things were revealed in my sessions that I didn’t know had happened because the parts held those memories. So for about the first year, my therapist worked more with the parts than with me. And I mostly worked on other things like going to the grocery store after not being able to go for about 3 years. I would have terrible panic attacks in stores. I learned to do things afraid and God just kept stretching me and giving me new opportunities. And now, I’m still afraid sometimes, but I can really say that if I’m sure it’s Him, I will do whatever He asks. He has proven a thousand times over that He is faithful and He has a good plan for my life.
So while I’m working on that part, the parts were working on their own healing in therapy and in a session, Cassie was 8 and she was processing some of the sexual abuse that we went through, we did some guided imagery where Cassie closed her eyes and she saw the abuse playing in her mind, but this time, she imagined Jesus standing in the corner and He was crying. And in this guided imagery, my abusers left the room and Jesus came and sat on her bed and she climbed up on his lap and He held her and rocked her to sleep. That was a life changing day! I started to understand that just because He couldn’t stop the abuse doesn’t mean that it didn’t break His heart. He did give man free will and they chose to make horrible choices but He never left me. He gave me this gift of dissociation to help me withstand what they were doing to me. And when I was ready to face everything and start healing, He brought all the right people into my life.
Altar – laid down the dissociation, (co-conscious all the time now)
Things always progressed quickly with me so in January 2015, I went to the altar and I had our pastor pray over me because I had healed enough to lay down the dissociation. Incredibly scary, never thought in a million years that I would be able to do that. But God had brought me through so many miracles, and healings and just amazing things, there was nothing left to do but trust Him with that too. So then things really got hard for a little while because I could not go away during sessions, I couldn’t go away when I was triggered. I still had my parts but I was always present with them so when they were in the front, for example, if Cassie was processing something in a session, I could hear everything and I felt as if I was standing outside my body watching it happen. I found myself starting to feel emotions for the first time and I felt like I had been picked up and dropped on another planet.
New coping skill
So I survived a lot of changes over the last year without the dissociation. But God does not let me stay comfortable for very long. He is always asking me to trust Him with more. So in January, I went back to the altar again and when I left the altar I was one whole person without the parts. God has healed me so much that I don’t need them anymore. They were a coping skill and now He is my coping skill. So He grew them up and fused them together into one whole being if that makes any sense at all.
I have had to overcome some very difficult things that I really feared. But God has put a spirit of boldness in me and He has done so many miracles that I can’t even count them all. Towards the end of 2016, the Lord asked me to put my therapy on the altar. He gave me a scripture from Genesis 12:1 and showed me how it applied to my current situation.
The LORD had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. Genesis 12:1
In therapy, we basically met the needs of all the parts/alters so that they could grow up and integrate. Because that was the only place they had ever had a voice and the only time they had ever been shown love, it felt like the home they grew up in. It was their safe place. So, when the Lord gave me Genesis 12:1, to go from “my people and my father’s household” for me meant to leave the safe people who He had given me to help me heal and the place that had become home to my parts and to go to a land that He would show me. He asked me to put my therapy on the altar without showing me anything at all about what would happen next. It wasn’t until after I was obedient that He showed me the land that He wanted me to go to. It was not easy, but He has given me a double portion blessing in this new season. I am so thankful that I stepped out on faith and did the hard things. He has healed me and I will serve Him forever!